regrets and protection

So it's been a few days and he hasn't bothered calling to check up on me. boy,! does that make me mad!!!

He is one of the most paranoid people when it comes to protection did I lock all the doors and windows did I triple check everything?! and He hasn't bothered to pick up the phone in over 2 days. 

He is being one of the most selfish people. and you know what thats how we got on this squabble in the 1st place He wasn't one bit worried that I might not have a ride back he was worried that he would be the one to have to take me back. I cant believe this man I jump through hoops to drive him around the same city from a different county away and he wont do the same. 

now just a little back ground when he's happy in love. O' man is it deep and I can feel it like an arrow through the soul but when he's mad O'boy is he unforgiving!!! and I have no reason to need or ask his forgiveness I did nothing wrong in my eyes I reacted to his insensitive behavior. I have learned that, that is something that should be avoided because their chemical imbalance is a illness and they can't always control what they do or say especially when they are hungry or tired. they are all out of whack.

but I think it should be something they learn accept and apologize for !

not us but then why do I feel guilty ?  

like It was unfair of me to get upset ?

should I always carry his sickness in the back of my mind ?

I do love him. He does love me. 

He would be heart broken and empty without me.  kitty is what he calls me!  (thats kind of a peggy lee song that reminds me of us) because thats what he calls me when he's felling good.

I will make it a point to write when I am both pleased (happy & ecstatic ) and when things are going as they are because I looked around for help in blogs and such and I never found what is was looking for. I hope this helps some one. if not I helps me!

I want to talk about a day when I was feeling down. I went to a therapist and they asked me if I really wanted to be with a know it all?  

 

Now, I could believe these words were coming out as they did. It was my first visit with her and she was basing everything on less than an hours worth of info and not even all about him! I could help but think to myself she has no idea what a genius he is. how caring he can be at times and any external factors of our lives that could be affecting us. she has no idea about my past of a cheating ex-husband and childhood of men that violated me in so many ways. This man is faithful  and trying to help me heal the scars of my past, because of his regrets. 

A  little more background on us we dated when we were 15 and he lost his virginity to me. I was the first girl he ever loved and 12 yrs later he found me. Beat down by life and nearly getting by he had dear friends die from Aids and decided he could never cheat or madly sleep around even as a single man. greatly intelligent highly motivated. needless to say I never went back to see her again!! I think maybe a male therapist would have benefited my situation. 

his regret not fighting for me & being around the entire time to protect me from what life had done to me. 

how can I not love this man? 

Hello world,

I have a BI-polar fiance.

I think that is one of the most informative sentences in such a small space. I am starting this blog because I cant believe some of the things that I have gone through with this man and no one & I mean no one in my circle understands were I'm coming from. this is going to start with todays madness and later on I will blog into more detail.

I live 100 miles away temporally and I called to say goodnight and I miss you, I love you. well he doesn't pick up the phone and he sends me his typical emoji text of a face with a gun pointed at his head.

now some back ground:
he emoji texts often and depending on his mood if could be over the top loving and sometimes they can show an upset angry or completely pisst of mood and they come randomly.

We drove to los Angeles together to attend a meeting and take some of his things he is moving there and I should be following after this semester of college ( I am 32 this year and going back to school)

NOW.... I was planning on carpooling back with a friend of mine the day after the meeting. this person did not pick up my calls or answer my text for the entire day I took it as avoidance casue this person has done that before.

we spent the day with his mother brother and grand father they are looking for an apt because his mother was just released after 8 years in a mental institute. she has the same issues as him however he is more controlled. towards the end of the day. he ask were am I getting picked up from?

I state that I didn't get an answer from him all day. He wants me to call everyone he lives with to ask them. I knew for a fact they were all together that day at a movie premier. anyway my fiancé said he would drive me back if he had to before we got to Los Angeles. I was looking at bus rules and it's no pets (I have A toy poodle) so that wasnt an option. he started getting upset because I wouldn't call the roomates and then

I asked "if I can't Get a hold of him are you going to take me home?"

he wouldn't answer me, he wouldnt even park to walk me to the door and say good bye, he just stopped in the middle of the street had a bad attitude. so when he didn't answer me I walked into my mothers house.

now what drives me bananas is that he wasnt acting like he wasn't going to see me for an undetermined amount of time. he was upset!!! just rude!!! and uncaring. and I have to walk into my mothers house and act like nothing is wrong infront of my whole family!!!

If your a woman then you know that if you say one bad word about your boyfriend fiancé or husband they never forget it. so i never make him out to be an affectionately unstable Lover. they know him as a strict health nut thats it.

so back to my situatiuon I'm possibly stuck in LA with out clothes money or my car and I'm pisst because I left depending on him to take care of me it was his idea for me not to take my car and at that point when I agreed I put myself in his hand. I believe I should trust the man I want to marry and he was mad at the thought of having to take me home. why?!?!?!?!

I feel like an idiot because I let my guard down and left my fate in his hands and not my own. and earlier that week he called me at about 9pm and asked me to drive 2hrs down there to pick him up and dive him 20min from his location and sleep next to him for the night like we had done for the past few years (we lived together for about 2 yrs) and you know what i did? I went I did what my man asked and need from me at that moment! I was there to have his back like I would want him to have mine and when the tables turned he couldn't even say he would do it he just got mad! I didn't get mad at him when he needed me I just did it !

these are common I LOVE YOU then I HATE YOU moments that he has. I have left him for this I have done things to change my life from being dependent on him in any way and this week I let fucking gaurd down and like clock work he let me down.

I started this blog because instead if texting him back and arguing I need another outlet the fighting is getting getting easier but it cuts deeper and I dont know what fight I have left in me to make this work