Hello world,

I have a BI-polar fiance.

I think that is one of the most informative sentences in such a small space. I am starting this blog because I cant believe some of the things that I have gone through with this man and no one & I mean no one in my circle understands were I'm coming from. this is going to start with todays madness and later on I will blog into more detail.

I live 100 miles away temporally and I called to say goodnight and I miss you, I love you. well he doesn't pick up the phone and he sends me his typical emoji text of a face with a gun pointed at his head.

now some back ground:
he emoji texts often and depending on his mood if could be over the top loving and sometimes they can show an upset angry or completely pisst of mood and they come randomly.

We drove to los Angeles together to attend a meeting and take some of his things he is moving there and I should be following after this semester of college ( I am 32 this year and going back to school)

NOW.... I was planning on carpooling back with a friend of mine the day after the meeting. this person did not pick up my calls or answer my text for the entire day I took it as avoidance casue this person has done that before.

we spent the day with his mother brother and grand father they are looking for an apt because his mother was just released after 8 years in a mental institute. she has the same issues as him however he is more controlled. towards the end of the day. he ask were am I getting picked up from?

I state that I didn't get an answer from him all day. He wants me to call everyone he lives with to ask them. I knew for a fact they were all together that day at a movie premier. anyway my fiancé said he would drive me back if he had to before we got to Los Angeles. I was looking at bus rules and it's no pets (I have A toy poodle) so that wasnt an option. he started getting upset because I wouldn't call the roomates and then

I asked "if I can't Get a hold of him are you going to take me home?"

he wouldn't answer me, he wouldnt even park to walk me to the door and say good bye, he just stopped in the middle of the street had a bad attitude. so when he didn't answer me I walked into my mothers house.

now what drives me bananas is that he wasnt acting like he wasn't going to see me for an undetermined amount of time. he was upset!!! just rude!!! and uncaring. and I have to walk into my mothers house and act like nothing is wrong infront of my whole family!!!

If your a woman then you know that if you say one bad word about your boyfriend fiancé or husband they never forget it. so i never make him out to be an affectionately unstable Lover. they know him as a strict health nut thats it.

so back to my situatiuon I'm possibly stuck in LA with out clothes money or my car and I'm pisst because I left depending on him to take care of me it was his idea for me not to take my car and at that point when I agreed I put myself in his hand. I believe I should trust the man I want to marry and he was mad at the thought of having to take me home. why?!?!?!?!

I feel like an idiot because I let my guard down and left my fate in his hands and not my own. and earlier that week he called me at about 9pm and asked me to drive 2hrs down there to pick him up and dive him 20min from his location and sleep next to him for the night like we had done for the past few years (we lived together for about 2 yrs) and you know what i did? I went I did what my man asked and need from me at that moment! I was there to have his back like I would want him to have mine and when the tables turned he couldn't even say he would do it he just got mad! I didn't get mad at him when he needed me I just did it !

these are common I LOVE YOU then I HATE YOU moments that he has. I have left him for this I have done things to change my life from being dependent on him in any way and this week I let fucking gaurd down and like clock work he let me down.

I started this blog because instead if texting him back and arguing I need another outlet the fighting is getting getting easier but it cuts deeper and I dont know what fight I have left in me to make this work